The January wind was raw and brutal, but the frosted windowpane beckoned me to look outside and breathe in the beauty of the icy pellets of rain falling upon it. Soon the rhythmic pounding soothed me into deep contemplating thoughts of how a new year makes me think of new beginnings or new life which, in turn, reminds me of a difficult time in my life when I learned the true meaning of new life.
Many, many years ago, when I was in nursing school and super stressed with weekly tests, clinical and deadlines of all kinds, I found out I was pregnant. To say the timing was bad would be an understatement. We had a two-year-old already, and that pregnancy was super difficult. I could not even imagine how I was going to survive another pregnancy along with nursing school.
I was terribly upset at first, but in January as I entered the 2nd trimester, I was coming to terms with the pregnancy and grateful for the life that was growing inside of me. I even noticed my “morning sickness” was not as bad and thought maybe this pregnancy would be easier than the last one. Then it happened. I started to miscarry the pregnancy. The doctor confirmed my suspicions and said all I could do was wait and see. Within a week it was obvious I was losing our baby. I felt so much guilt and felt like maybe I had “wished” it away by being upset when I first discovered the pregnancy.
One night I awoke in more pain than I had ever experienced in my life. My husband worked the night shift and was at work, so I called my parents, who took me to the emergency room. I was given medicine intravenously while the doctor performed a D & C operation. It was painful and something I will never forget. Leaving the hospital, I felt like I had left a part of me and felt so very lonely.
For weeks afterward, I was so sad and cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t stand to see a pregnant lady, and I had planned to work obstetrics when I finished nursing school. How was I supposed to do that now? Why was I even in nursing school?
One day I broke down and told my mother how bad I felt, and she consoled me. Letting it out was the best thing I could have done. My heart slowly started healing. I completed nursing school a few months later, and my first job was working labor and delivery and newborn nursery, which was my favorite department.
All of this took place over 30 years ago, and we eventually had two more daughters, but I’ve never forgotten losing our child. I’m reminded every time I see someone’s ultrasound picture. Maybe it is because it’s the only picture I have of my little one that lives in heaven.
We never knew the gender of our baby, but I asked God and felt the impression that the baby was a girl. So, I named her Zoe, which means “eternal life,” along with my grandmother’s middle name, Arlene, which means “promise.” Zoe Arlene. The name reminds me that she has the promise of eternal life. She never saw this earth or the pain and suffering in it. She only knows beauty and joy of all kinds. One day I hope to kiss her face and tell her how much I have loved and missed her, but would have never made her miss the life she has lived in heaven to share mine on earth.
New life isn’t always what we think it is. Sometimes it means loss and separation from the ones we love, so they may experience an intimate new life with the One who loves them even more. It is the very life we hope to have one day after this one on earth is over. After all, faith is just the evidence of things hoped for, and without faith (hope) it is impossible to please God.
If you have lost someone near and dear to your heart, but have that hope that pleases God, of faith in His promise by receiving His gift of salvation, then you too will have new life. You will join your loved ones, where you will worship together with the One that made it all possible. As the old hymn says, “What a Day That Will Be.”
Copyright © 2021 by Lisa Williams
Lisa Williams is a southern girl who enjoys writing about the trials of life and spiritual growth from them. She grew up in the 70’s and wrote her first book when she was 10 years old about “talking cars” long before Disney made a movie and became even richer on the idea. She married young then became a registered nurse. After her children came along she traded in her nurses cap and homeschooled them for seventeen years. Life threw her a lot of loops and she is a survivor of breast cancer and infidelity. Her relationship with God was what got her through it all and in her empty nest she finally has the heart and time to write about His light in very dark places. If you’d like to join her on this journey you may follow her blog at https://partthewater.wordpress.com/.